Tuesday, December 26, 2017

2017: Life and Thoughts


Apologies. I know this is not in keeping with the festive season but then I knew I had to write this before we part ways because once we do, I never want to think about you again. 

We started off well. I was in good spirits and had high hopes for the year ahead. I was optimistic and knew what I wanted us to achieve together, so I set about working hard and making contacts with the belief that it would all pay off in the end. Fair enough, I had to say my final goodbyes to a few loved ones, but then what is life without a few losses? 

Even when I suffered betrayal at the hands of family members and saw some of the people that I held dearest go through hell, I still thought you had my back. You gave me my thirtieth year and threw a few pleasant surprises my way. You made me feel creative. You made me feel like I could carry life.

You led me on, made me feel comfortable, made me drunk on happiness. I was blissful. I was carefree, and just when I had completely let go you threw me a curve ball which knocked me sideways.

I fell hard. The world turned black. I cried until I was numb. I died inside. 

In short, you played me. You stole from me.

But I guess what I got out of it was clarity. Once I had wiped salty tears from my eyes I was able to see what mattered most, and what was not worth giving a second thought to. God brought good people from the shadows and they offered comfort and words of wisdom. Whilst they lent me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and a box of tissues, the friends and family I would have normally ran to began to irritate me. Many of those I thought loved me served me nothing but disappointment. 

I just don't understand where I went wrong. At what point did I not pray enough? When was I not good enough? To whom might have caused offence?

Anyway I have started to scrape together the shattered pieces of my life. You must have felt bad about the bag of tricks you gave me because you have handed me a few breaks in these final weeks. I'm grateful but for the next few days I am taking everything you hand me with a grain of salt.

There. That's it. That't the last time I am addressing you.

2018, I am ready for you!

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2 comments

  1. What a beautifully written post! I'm sorry to hear 2017 has been such an emotional minefield for you - though here's wishing you a VERY happy, healthy and successful 2018 Madeline. You deserve it!

    aglassofice.com
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Gabrielle, it really has been! I hope to one day channel the pain to help other women. Thank you very much, I wish you the same!

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